do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
