my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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