i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
