I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
