I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
