When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
