That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
