At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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