Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
