he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
