I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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