I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
