you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
