Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
