I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
