I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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