I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
