There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
