so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
