The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
