So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
