I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize