he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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