eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
