I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
