Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
