So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
be right there i have to get my cape
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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