the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We need to get me chipped asap
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