And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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