I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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