Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
