You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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