I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I would ride that face into the sunset
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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