Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
