I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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