I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
