All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
