I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
