I skipped work to stalk him.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Randomize
