life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
