remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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