I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
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