a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
