somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
