i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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