I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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