Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
