my phone needs a breathalizer
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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