I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
