she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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