yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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