She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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