I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
