why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
