saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
