Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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