giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
