I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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