Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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