Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
