You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
